14. Baby 5

We tried again the following cycle. Commencing progesterone again on day 21 and waiting until day 28 to test. It was a Sunday morning (4th August 2013). We got up. Matt went downstairs. I peed in a cup. I dipped the test. I put it down and went away for the three minutes it took. I came back…and there were two lines. Pregnant! Again! Five times this had happened. I went down to Matt and collapsed in to his arms in tears. This was our chance. We grasped it with both hands.

The next day I rang the Early Pregnancy Unit to book my six week scan. We were unlucky as it was the summer holidays and our consultant was off. After a little wrangling, we were booked in for our first scan at exactly 6 weeks. Luckily it was a late afternoon appointment, so we didn’t have to make any arrangements for annual leave. Time passed slowly. I was definitely feeling pregnant, but it was hard to trust it was the pregnancy and not just side effects from the progesterone treatment.

August 19th 2013 arrived and I struggled to focus on anything all day. Like so so many times before, we sat nervously in the EPU waiting room. As ever, Matt was right there next to me, supporting me every step of the way, telling me everything was going to be ok, whatever the outcome. Our time came and I could barely breathe. I was prepared that I could need an internal scan given how early we were, but she started with an abdominal scan and we couldn’t believe it when the sonographer turned the screen to us and showed us our miniature baby!! It measured 4mm long and we could see its heart beating! To this day, this blows my mind. Our baby was there measuring 4mm and it had a teeny, tiny beating heart. It was too early for us to be able to hear it, but she was able to show us the beats on the screen. It was strong and fast. I was in tears, again. Our 4mm little miracle was there.

After the scan, we were taken to an examination room to be shown how to administer the heparin. I *knew* that this was what needed to happen, but I couldn’t pretend not to be terrified – a blood test or vaccination is a big thing for me (I can’t even watch when Maisie, our pup, has her boosters!) and here I was having to learn how to give myself daily injections. The nurse helped me administer the first one and from then on it would be up to me to inject myself in my stomach every day for the next 6 weeks (all being well). We were packed off with boxes of syringes and a sharps bin.

We’d been promised weekly first trimester scans, but in a twist of fate it was us that couldn’t come the following week as we’d booked a holiday. We were booked in again for two weeks time.

Two days later and I went to the toilet at work and I was spotting. Only a tiny amount and, if you weren’t some over-paranoid person, you probably wouldn’t even have seen it. But I am/was that over-paranoid person and it sucked away the delicate veil of confidence the scan had brought us just days ago. I rang the EPU and luckily our consultant was back. She told me how normal it is and how likely it was that it was just implantation bleeding. I worried the heparin would make any bleeding worse, but she told me to continue. It was so early that a repeat scan at that point would likely yield nothing, so we just had to hold tight until the next scan.

Looking back now I can’t believe we went away on holiday. But we packed up Maisie, the car, our now trusty sharps bin and set off. I had a bit more spotting, but we both felt strangely calm. Maybe it was the trust in the treatment protocol, or maybe we just trusted in our little baby to keep on growing, but we managed to have a nice week away, although we were very eager to get back for our next scan.

I somehow managed ok with the heparin. I did have to sit and build up to doing each one, but Matt always sat patiently with me, whilst I brought the syringe close to doing it… and then wimped out and had to build myself up again. But I always managed it, and that’s what matters.

Thankfully the spotting stopped and we went to the next scan on 2nd September 2013. I was 8 weeks pregnant and was so nervous. I still felt very pregnant and had been sick a few times and was exhausted beyond belief. We made a pact not to look at the screen or try and read our consultant’s face. But almost as soon as she’d started scanning, she turned the screen to us and showed us our growing baby. It was now big enough that we got to listen to the heartbeat. I could have laid there and listened to that all day – the most beautiful thing I had ever heard. Baby was measuring exactly perfect for dates. It was going well. We remained cautious – our experience from our early scans with baby 2 had taught us that even when things looked positive, it could still very easily go wrong. We had still not told anyone that we were expecting again, and just carried this beautiful little secret with us for a little while longer.

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