10. Tests. Waiting. Tests.

When the appointment finally rolled around (July 2012), our consultant explained that very rarely do the tests reveal anything, however she felt ‘clear’ tests would be the outcome we should be hoping for. She didn’t want to find anything wrong with us. Personally, we were holding out for these tests finding something, some reason for why we kept loosing our babies. Having spoken to other people in the same situation, I think this is a very common wish – you want to find something ‘fixable’, something you can pop a pill for and then get your take-home baby. It’s difficult to think you might just learn it’s been a series of unfortunate events. We returned the day after this appointment to have our bloods taken. I am petrified of needles, so when I learnt I would need to part with 8 vials of blood, it wasn’t exactly easy, but I squeezed Matt’s hand as hard as I could. He wiped away my tears and got me through it (even when my first arm ran out and they had to go in to the second for the rest!). Matt got away with just the one vial.

Again, we waited. We decided to continue trying during this waiting. We were told at our appointment that I could try taking low dose aspirin, as this can help some people, so at least we felt as though we were doing something different.

Eight long weeks later and the appointment to get our results arrived. I was a complete nervous wreck in the waiting room. The clinic was running behind and I saw an unknown Dr knocking around that I’d never seen before (we’d been there A LOT, we were familiar with most of the staff). I convinced myself that we’d some weird, rare genetic disorder and he’d been drafted in to explain it to us…. nerves do weird things. Matt tried desperately to calm me down and repeated that everything was going to be ok. When we got called through, we learnt that, as predicted, all our recurrent miscarriage tests had come back clear. No sticky blood. No lupus. No weird antibodies. No unexpected proteins. No thyroid issues. No chromosomal abnormalities for either of us. We fell in to the ‘unexplained recurrent miscarriage’ group. We were offered no magic pills. No explanation for why we’d lost our 3 precious babies. No real advice but to keep on trying. Our consultant recognised our increasing desperation and told us to get in touch and book an appointment if we had no luck within 6 months, but also told us she felt confident we’d be in touch with good news before then.

We left the appointment with mixed feelings – buoyed by our consultant’s positivity at our clear results and optimism for good news soon, but with grief weighing heavy in our hearts it was hard to keep our resolve strong.


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