11. Our lowest ebb

Some time between our third loss in June 2012 and the recurrent miscarriage results in September 2012, things started to feel really, really hard.

Our lives felt completely dominated by trying to make our family. I distinctly remember a post I made to the molar forum about how fed up of all the waiting, trying, failing, loss I was. It didn’t help that still ever more babies were arriving every day. People around us who started trying after us were now adding their second children to their families, whilst we were STILL desperately waiting, waiting, waiting. Even a lot of the ladies that joined the molar forum at the same time as, or after, me were getting their happy ending. I felt extremely isolated and left behind. The feeling that our lives were at standstill was never stronger.

I had to take a break from Facebook following the second miscarriage – it was too hard to go on each day and risk being confronted by sonogram pictures (even now the sight of an ultrasound brings back that same sinking feeling of dread). Once you’ve laid there and watched a sonogram of your still, un-moving baby, any ultrasound picture transports you straight back to that moment – a terrible reminder of what was had and what was lost.

It was around this time that we made the step to redecorate our second bedroom (the last room left in our house to decorate, the one we’d been saving for our baby from the moment we viewed the house for the first time). I cried as we painted. It felt a little like admitting it wasn’t going to happen any time soon.

Life was hard.

I remember many morning showers and lone car trips, just sobbing to myself. Or days sat at my desk, silent tears running down my cheeks. The pent-up feelings of sadness, loss and longing, too plentiful to contain.

Our days became divided into 4 week periods. That first week each month, dealing with the disappointment that another month had passed us by without success. Week 2 rallying some positivity to try again and imagine this was the month. Then two long, long weeks of waiting – symptom-spotting at every opportunity, counting down the days until we could test or my period arrived. Only to restart the cycle again.

Whilst we tried to maintain the other aspects of our lives (promotions, new jobs, holidays, families, birthdays, Christmases…), we were so so exhausted from the trying and it was taking its toll on us. It was ever present. Days out and we would see families and want it so badly for ourselves. Time spent with our nieces would remind us of the joy our lives were missing. I had started to believe it just wasn’t going to happen for us, this thought taking root and filling my waking hours. It was one of the most natural things in the world, and we just didn’t seem capable of doing it. When you look at the science, it’s difficult to understand how quite so many people manage it so easily – such limited time each month when it is possible to conceive. Here we were timing everything right, doing everything exactly by the book and still failing. Then hearing stories of those who got pregnant by accident, without even trying, succeeding the first month they tried… So hard to understand why we couldn’t grab a slice of their luck. Thankfully Matt kept the belief strong and remained steadfast in his belief that we would get there eventually, we would just need to keep our resolve and not give up.

Our third Christmas since we started trying arrived. We still hadn’t conceived again. We felt little like celebrating, 2012 had been our worst year by far and we couldn’t wait to see the back of it. What had started so promisingly with that positive test in January, ended with us going to bed before midnight, grieving two more babies than the previous year and wishing 2013 would bring us more luck.

6 months of trying from our recurrent miscarriage results arrived in February without us having conceived, and I was able to get an appointment with our consultant. What now? Why hadn’t it happened?!

She agreed to undertake some more tests – more blood tests for me (joy!), sperm analysis for Matt. Sadly my results weren’t exactly ideal and would need to be repeated the following cycle. Matt’s appointment wouldn’t be until April (more waiting…).

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