9. Third time’s a charm?

As instructed, we waited a cycle before the difficult step to start over trying again. We were grieving. We had had all wind knocked from our sails and struggled to rebuild ourselves. We were so desperate to move forward, to make the baby, to start the family we so yearned for. The first cycle, we were unsuccessful. More waiting. The following cycle (June 2012), we found ourselves unbelievably having conceived again. Our third pregnancy in 15 months. Just to repeat, we were pregnant again for the THIRD TIME in 15 MONTHS!

I rang and booked our early scan. We didn’t talk about the pregnancy. We tried to carry on as ‘normal’. Tried to protect ourselves. Tried to urge time on, wishing the days away, and God were they long, long days.

At 5 weeks, I started spotting. This time, the spotting quickly turned to bleeding, and I knew we’d lost another very wanted baby.

Trying to protect ourselves by not talking about it had been pointless. It didn’t stop the aching pain at another life lost. At another dream ended. In fact, I felt sad not to have made the very most of the precious time I had with that little life inside me.

I rang the EPU and spoke to our consultant through my tears. She agreed to get us in for recurrent miscarriage tests (explaining that we don’t strictly meet the NHS ‘3 miscarriage’ criteria, given the cause for one is known, but agreed nonetheless). We were booked in for 5 weeks time.

Again, we contacted Western Park for a post-miscarriage check that my hCG was back to normal. It was. No molar pregnancy signs, but no baby either.

Why couldn’t we do it? What had we done to deserve this? All we’d ever dreamed of seemed to be drifting further and further from our reach.

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